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Thanks, But I’ll Stick to the Lady with the Crystal Ball and Funky Head Scarf

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

When I was growing up, few words carried with them the same sense of gloom as the word “quiz.” Teachers who were known to hand out pop quizzes without warning were the subjects of student-to-student warnings. “Is this going to be on the test?” was a question asked with an appropriate level of anticipatory dread.

For some reason, ever since the dawn of social media, it seems like people love taking quizzes these days. They don’t just love taking quizzes, they love sharing their results, pointlessly debating the merits of the quiz questions – they even dissecting their own failures after the fact.

Me, I’m not much for quizzes – unless those quizzes promise to predict the future, or accurately gauge something about me which is both personal and easy for me to know whether the results are accurate.

I ran across such a quiz today – one which asserted “We can tell exactly how much sex you’re having from the items in your bedroom.”

OK, I’ll bite.

Question One: Am I a British Coed?

Right off the bat, this quiz disappoints me, because while the headline suggests it’s something universal, a closer look at its description reveals I should have taken it over 20 years ago – and even then, only if I went to school in the UK.

“Your entire sexual experience at uni is reflected through your bedroom décor,” writes Diyora Shadijanova for

Clearly, in this context, “uni” means “university.” Either that, or Diyora is saying the way I decorate my bedroom reveals how much sex I’ve been having at a sushi place which doesn’t capitalize its name.

“Take this quiz to see just how much of a sex-magnet your bedroom is.”


To be honest, I’m not sure I want my bedroom to be a “sex magnet,” absent some greater detail as to what that entails. I’m not the only one who uses that bedroom, after all, and I don’t want my husband to give me excuses like “Sorry about the stripper, honey – presumably she has some sort of metal plate in her leg.”

What Does Any of This Have to Do with How Often I Have Sex?

OK, let’s see what this amazing sex-frequency-detecting, bedroom-decoration-based quiz is all about. Sure, it appears to be meant for British university students, but I’m only a couple of generations, several thousand miles and a massively different culture away from being one of those, so maybe it will be able to divine my sexual encounter-frequency, too.

First question: “What’s on your walls?”

Well, truth be told, I have more than one kind of thing on my bedroom walls, but since only one of them – framed posters – is available as a response, I’ll select that.

Next up, it’s “How do you make your room smell better?”

Wouldn’t you know it, “making my husband sleep on the couch” isn’t one of my choices. Ultimately, I go with “I don’t try to do anything,” because all the options offered – scented candles and the like – don’t apply to me, either.

With the next question, we come to one I can answer confidently, and for which there’s a matching option. “What’s the ONE thing you always have on your bedside table?” Answer: “An alarm clock.”

So far, so good – although it’s not clear to me what having an ever-present alarm clock on the nightstand tells someone about how often I have sex, other than the fact I like to wake up reliably the next morning.

“Which of these musical items do you have in your room?” is the next quiz question – and again, there’s a clear and relevant answer: “Guitar.” Yes, it’s my husband’s guitar, not mine, but that doesn’t change the fact it’s in my room – whether I like it or not. (And, for the record, I do not.)

Well, at Least One Question Involves the Bed

“What type of bedding do you have?”

Finally! A question which seems somehow, at least tangentially, related to the subject of sex.

The only problem is, “flannel sheets and a paisley print comforter” isn’t one of the options. My choices are floral, plain white, stripy, football themed or plain block color.

Since there’s, again, no “none of the above” option, I go with “floral” because fuck it, I have shit to do and I’m not getting stuck on some dumb online quiz question like I’m back in school, struggling with fucking calculus.

“Which types of books are on your bookshelf?”

Here’s a shock: The kind of books on my bookshelf are not represented among the quiz choices, and none of the above is unavailable. I go with the closest available option: “Modern classics like 1984 or Brave New World.”

“What type of plant do you have?” Another easy one, for which my true answer is, amazingly, somehow available as a response: Cactus. (I do live in Arizona, after all.)

Drumroll, Please…

We’re down to the final question: “Which of these things am I likely to find on your floor?”

Eureka! The “none of the above” response is finally available, and I’m going to use it – because my other options are empty wine bottles, empty beer bottles, a dressing gown, slippers, Playstation/XBOX, or the oddly redundant “clothes on the floor.”

OK – my responses have all been submitted. Let’s see how I score.

“You’re not a sex machine, but you’re getting SOME. Clearly something in your room is charming people, but change your vibe to make sex a more frequent occasion.”

Are you fucking kidding me? That’s your idea of telling me “exactly how much sex” I’m having? I’m “getting SOME”?

With all due respect, Diyora (or whomever wrote the quiz she’s peddling) I’m truly underwhelmed by this response.That settles it – the next time I want a stranger to guess how often I’m having sex, I’m heading straight to the lady with the crystal ball and funky head scarf.

Calico Rudasil is a (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:

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