Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
One of the minor curses which has followed me through my life is the tendency for my brain to spontaneously and involuntarily come up with alternative lyrics to songs I hear.
Over the years, this tendency has hit me with such unwanted in-brain parody jingles such as “Bank Machine” to the tune of ABBA’s “Dancing Queen,” the voice of Edie Gormé belting out “Blame it on the Casanova” instead properly assigning blame to the Bossa Nova and a few other example so unspeakably catchy and awful that I dare not pass them along to you.
Obviously, it doesn’t take much to set off my brain’s auto-parody mechanism. A word that rhymes with something already on my mind, a trip to a location mentioned in some old song – or, most recently, a story about a couple getting in trouble for engaging in oral sex inside Manchester Victoria station.
I’ve Heard of “Taking the Tube” in England, but I Don’t Think This is What They Mean
All it took was reading a few paragraphs of the story and off my brain went into song-parody land, quickly spinning out a set of groan-inducing wordplay to the tune of an old hit song.
But first, before I get to the bad wordplay, let’s dig into the story itself a bit.
“A 47-year-old commuter who was caught having sex with another passenger on a busy railway station concourse was jailed today while his companion is on the run,” reports the Daily Mail.
To be clear, William Batchelor and his now-fugitive companion aren’t in hot water just for the fact that she allegedly blew him in a railway station; they’re also accused of becoming “verbally abusive” to a cop who tried to stop them in their (presumably wet and sloppy) tracks.
“The officer shouted at them to stop and they became verbally abusive to her, and said she was lying in what she saw,” the prosecutor, Robin Lynch, said at a hearing on the matter. “They said she was abusing her power, so she stayed with them until they were arrested.”
Here’s hoping the unidentified woman involved removed Batchelor’s trouser snake from her mouth before becoming verbally abusive – otherwise, ol’ Bill might have bigger problems right now than the 15 weeks he’s about to spend in jail.
See? I Told You it’s Groan-Inducing
So, what’s the song my brain immediately turned to, upon reading these details? Why, Berlin’s “Riding on the Metro,” of course! But, instead of the correct lyrics becoming stuck in my head along with the borderline-addictive melody, the words running through my head go like:
We’re not alone – but this cop can kiss my ass
And your three-inches will not my uvula pass
I’ll suck you on a Paris train
Until you stiffen and rain
And you standing there, screaming obscenities
I remember staring up at the railway guard
I was hoping she might fuck right off
Sucking on the metro-oh-oh…
Hey, I didn’t say they were good parody lyrics – that’s why earlier I referred to this involuntary mental tendency as a “curse,” after all.
Meanwhile, Back in Court…
While 15 weeks isn’t exactly hard time, it still seems to me like a long stint to serve for… well, having a different sort of “hard time” in a train station, if you catch my drift.
District Judge John Temperly saw things differently, though. To him, this crime clearly was Very Big Deal.
“You and the co-accused were committing a serious sexual offence in full public view and didn’t respond when told to stop,” Temperly said. “You then became verbally abusive to the officer, and both of you were in drink which is a aggravating feature. Custody is inevitable for this offence.”
Wow – who knew being “in drink” was an “aggravating feature”? I guess they take their public sex offenses quite seriously over in Manchester.
Oh no… it’s happening again – only instead of Berlin, this time I’m hearing the voice of Morrisey!
No parody lyrics needed this time, though, because he got it right the first time when he sang “Oh Manchester, so much to answer for…”
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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