Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
I wish I could say my first exposure to the fact that a lot of guys are liable to stick their penises into strange places was reading Portnoy’s Complaint, a book which, as its Wikipedia entry accurately notes, includes “detailed depictions of masturbation using various props including a piece of liver which Portnoy’s mother later serves for dinner.”
But I grew up with an older brother who’s close my age – which means I had occasion to learn about this male predilection straight from the penis-owning source. This happened one fine summer afternoon in the early 80s, when my brother confessed to having humped one of the pillows on the family’s living room couch some years prior. (Unsurprisingly, his chosen approach to self-satisfaction is not even close to being unique.)
Strangely, hearing that confession from my brother didn’t mentally scar me that much, although it did make me very hesitant to sit on the couch in question for several years.
Public Objectophiles: The Misunderstood Comic Heroes of our Time
Rather than feeling disgusted, troubled or saddened by stories of men sticking their dicks into places not designed for penile penetration, I’ve spent my adult life reveling in such tales. From Philadelphia’s “Swiss Cheese Pervert” to Edward Smith – who I like to call the “Wilt Chamberlin of car-fucking” – the tales of these men have brought more smiles to my face and chuckles to my belly than just about any non-Monty Python comedy ever made.
As such, I’m always pleased to stumble across a new “top list” of object-fuckers, which serve as sort of miniature Hall of Fame when it comes to objectophiles. The latest of such lists I’ve found was compiled by the good people of The Sun, who appear to love these stories just as much as I do.
The Devil Laughter is in the Details
Many times, the best parts of these stories have relatively little to do with what the objectophile has done and a lot more to do with the reaction of third parties who either observed them in action, owned the property being fucked, or just happened to be on the scene when law enforcement hauls off the object-fucker at hand.
Take bicycle-owner Per Edstrom, for example, who suffered seeing his own bike victimized via closed-circuit television. You’d think Per at least would be livid about his bike tires getting slashed by some guy who likes to jerk off as bike tires deflate – but instead, he expressed only mild irritation, along with an impressive degree of understanding and empathy for the Tire-Wanker of Osterlund.
“I am not scared of him, just irritated over all the punctures I have had to fix,” Edstrom said. “This man is probably completely harmless – bicycles are just his thing.”
Sure, he’s harmless – so long as you’re not a bike tire!
But Tabloids: Don’t Bury the Lede!
The only thing I find frustrating about stories of objectophiles is that sometimes the articles get mired down in exploring the shock value of the story, leaving important questions entirely unasked.
Consider the tale of the “Great Drain Rogery” from 2017, for instance. While the article is filled with detail about what Florin Grosu allegedly did, how much time he faces if convicted and other things common to crime reporting, the reporter never even addresses whether Grosu used protection, or if he ‘raw dogged’ that drain cover.
Sure, some might say that’s an irrelevant question… but if they were one of the other drain covers in Romford, East London, I bet they’d feel differently!
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out: